Five Times Dean Worried about Ben and One Time He Didn't
by borgmama1of5
Summary: Five times Dean worried about Ben...


**Prompt:** _As fate would have it, I adopted two boys. And they grew up great. They grew up heroes. (7.10 Death's Door) from_ ash48

* * *

 **I**

Dean has no idea how long he has been sitting here. He blinks until the inside of the garage, illuminated by the streetlight, comes more-or-less into focus. He must have been out here for two, maybe three hours, it had still been light when he'd crawled into the Impala.

Slightly fuzzy, Dean gathers the empty bottle and slides out of the car, using the door to steady himself when his legs wobble.

"G'night, Baby," he mumbles as he places the whiskey bottle in the recycling bin and heads back toward the house.

He can see Lisa through the kitchen window. Dean pauses when he reaches the back step—he can't go in just yet. Lisa is too patient with him. Bobby, now Bobby would kick his ass, tell him to stop moping, take this shot at a real life and go for it. Sam would have…well, that was the problem, wasn't it? Sam wasn't gonna tell him what to do ever again…

It takes him a while to pay attention to the voices coming from inside.

"I mean, Mom, I like Dean—he was a cool guy before. But it's, well, I kinda don't want to bring anybody over from school when he's here, you know?"

"Does Dean being here make you uncomfortable?" Dishes clatter as Lisa puts them in the dishwasher.

"I…It's…It's just weird, Mom, he doesn't shave, and he sometimes smells, and he…he acts weird, you know? Like he's not really here…"

"I know, Ben. Dean is acting a little…strange right now…He's grieving his brother, Sam. He's having a hard time caring about normal life, taking proper care of himself, because he's missing his brother a lot. I know he seems a lot different than the Dean who helped us when…Do you think we can give him a little more time to get himself together?"

"Yeah, I…I guess. I just wish…I just wish he wouldn't act weird around my friends, you know?"

He feels sick. What business did he have coming here and burdening Lisa and her son with his problems? Dean tries to remember what he said to the kid that had come home with Ben after school today. He doesn't remember much…just standing in the kitchen doorway watching them have a snack. Had he even said anything to the kid? No, he'd just stared at them before deciding to get the bottle of Evan Williams from the cabinet without waiting for them to leave the kitchen. He winces. What kind of example is he setting, getting booze in front of Ben and his friend?

Dad did it all the time, the thought floats across his mind. Yeah, and he was going to hold John Winchester up as father of the year? Dad drank all the time but he shouldn't have…and here was Dean doing the same thing.

He startles at the hand on his shoulder, hadn't heard Lisa come out on the porch.

"Why don't you come in?"

"I heard Ben," bursts out of him before Dean can stop himself. "He's upset because of me. You should be, too…What am I doing here? I'm just messing up your lives. I should go."

She might be shorter, but Lisa still manages to get right in his face. "Yes, you're a mess right now, Dean Winchester. You're in pain. That's what happens when people lose someone they love, they grieve. Which is what you're doing…but you're keeping it all inside and it's tearing you to pieces. You've got to talk to someone, Dean…whether it's me, or a professional counsellor, or…or that friend of yours you've mentioned, Bobby…Drinking's not going to take the pain away," she ends gently.

"I can't, Lise, I can't talk about it…I should go, my being here is just upsetting you and Ben…"

"Ben doesn't understand. He's never really lost someone, he didn't really know his grandfather, he died when Ben was little. But he wants to give you a chance, and you owe him that. Just try…just a little…talk to him about school, or cars, or baseball…" Lisa looks him straight in the eye. "Don't drink when he comes home from school. Can you do that much? Wait until evening? For Ben's sake?"

He's only been here a few weeks, and already he's teaching Ben that alcohol is the way to run away from your problems. God, what is he doing?

"I'll try, Lisa, I…I'll try."

"That's all I ask, Dean." Lisa puts her arm around him. "Come inside now. Let's watch a little TV with Ben, okay?"

Dean nods. He has to do better for Ben.

 **II**

He's going to do it. He's going to say 'yes' because what choice does he have? The world is going to end because of the Winchesters, but maybe humanity will have a little bit of a chance if Michael wins…

Dean's hands hurt from the grip he's had on Baby's steering wheel for the last four hours. He can't stop going over everything he's done wrong to end up here. But it isn't just him, it's Sam's fault, too. Sam had let the devil out of his cage…and good people had died, and more good people are going to die when Michael takes his meatsuit…

But Dean is not going to just roll over and play angel condom without getting a guarantee that the people he cares about will be protected. No, before Michael gets to have his way with Dean, Michael has to guarantee that Sam and Bobby will be kept safe. And Lisa Braeden and Ben. Ben might not be his son…but Dean is going to make damn sure that one little boy is safe when the world goes to hell.

 **III**

 _This isn't far enough._

Dean shifts his grip on the cardboard box and shoulders his way through the kitchen door.

"Where do you want this one, Lise?"

"That might be the one with the coffee maker—put it here," Lisa points.

Dean goes to get the next box.

They shouldn't be settling in one place.

Too easy to find them. Him.

It's not even four hours from Cicero to Battlecreek.

"I'm not moving halfway across the country," Lisa had said when Dean suggested North Dakota. "And where am I going to find work as a yoga teacher out there?" At least she had relatives here, she said.

And Dean hadn't wanted to explain what he was afraid of—who or what might be gunning for a Winchester. He doesn't want Lisa to be afraid—or, more practically, decide Dean is a liability, his presence in her life a threat to her and Ben.

Ben isn't happy about moving, leaving his friends, his baseball team. It makes Dean remember his dad uprooting him and Sam every few months…weeks, sometimes. It hadn't really bothered him—well, Dean had just gotten used to it, accepted that was the way their life was, and didn't bother trying to make friends or fit it in. Sam, though, he had wanted to belong, had wanted to have friends…

He stops, puts a hand to his forehead needing to stop the unsettling memory of Sam walking away with the Campbells. Sam's okay. He doesn't need Dean. Dean is out.

So why is Dean so paranoid that he won't let Ben out of his sight, sneakily ordering pizza to avoid the three of them going out in public to even get lunch?

He's wrong, Dean knows he's acting like John, but he knows what's out there and he damn well is keeping Ben and Lisa safe no matter what he has to do.

 **IV**

 _Not Ben! Not Ben! Not Ben!_ hammers through Dean's mind, then his dad's training kicks in. Focus on finding the monster. No time for emotions, work the case.

There it is, the red mark on the windowsill like at the other houses. Not blood, like it appeared at first—it's dirt. Red dirt. He's seen it while driving around…where? _Not Ben_ , ghosts through his mind but Dean shoves the thought down and replays where he'd been that he might have seen…yes, he remembers: the house that was under construction about a half-mile away!

He's back to the Impala and cranking her over without another thought, telling Sam as he's tearing down the street. Not Ben, he thinks, no mother-fucker is gonna hurt Lisa's kid.

 **V**

It's like a dream, like when he's high on the hospital good stuff…He remembers harsh light and overwhelming noise, the relentless thumping of too many heartbeats, and the enticing coppery scent of blood everywhere, and he wanted it, needed it…

Dean doesn't remember all the details, though the vicious exhilaration of slaughtering the vampire nest is burned into his soul. But it's what he did when he went to Lisa's that haunts him…He remembers standing over her and wanting to bury his teeth in her neck and feel her warm blood pulsing into his mouth...he remembers forcing himself away, and then the slight figure of Ben in the hallway and the urge to seize him, taste him, and desperately shoving him away...

Dean will never forgive himself for that, for making them afraid of the monster he was...he is.

 **VI**

This is what they need. Not to remember, not to know Dean Winchester. Lisa and Ben will be safe now.

Dean walks away down the cold hospital corridor.

What Dean Winchester needs has never mattered anyway.


End file.
